Hello, blogosphere, I am back. I needed a break to collect my thoughts and weigh the issues currently in my life. Lately I have been feeling disconnected – from Lieutenant, from my family, from myself. Sometimes I feel like I have no voice, and I have to censor certain parts of my life because people see it. I censor this blog A LOT because I know that my family, friends, and Lieutenant’s family reads this. I have no place where I can just…speak.
I felt like this back when I was in high school and I resorted to negative outlets that made me feel even worse. I’ve tried to run the good course and do my best and be a good person and I think that I beat myself up when I stray from that course.
I have a lot of anger and resentment issues and this comes from many different places. My birth mom, who left me when I was two years old, my family breaking apart when I was ten, nearly being raped at knife point by the son of a Major on an Air Force base when I was twelve.
But I have worked hard, so hard, to let go of that and to make myself stronger in spite of that. I’ve worked hard to become a good girlfriend and a good fiancée and still I feel like I’m doing something wrong…that I’m not doing enough.
Have you ever felt this way? If you have, please tell me – let it out! We can’t keep relying on ourselves to make sure we’re okay. That’s one of the best things about the military life, every girl you meet becomes your sister. Since our country has a 1% military rate, this really becomes true. So I’m talking to you today as my sisters – tell me what to do and tell me how to fix this.
i can't tell you how to fix it, i feel like only you can do that. when i feel at peace with myself i am the happiest, and i feel like you need to find your peace again. you are obviously a strong woman and have experienced a lot you shouldn't have had to... but it's part of who you are and has made you the amazing woman you are today. think of the amazing man who wants to spend the rest of his life with you... his love should be a sign of how amazing you are! but we all know that we can't base our value on how much other people love us. do some soul searching and take some time to rediscover and fall in love with YOU again. and hang in there, everyone feels lost every once and awhile <3
ReplyDeleteFirst off... HUUUUUUUUGS! Big, Giant, Long Distant Hugs!!! I feel like this too sometimes, I think its natural to feel this way... that is life, you have your ups and downs just like a roller coaster, you just have to learn laugh on the way up and close your eyes and hang on when you go down. You will get through this just remember whats important to you and hold on to it. And in the mean time know that you will get through this too just like all the other stuff you've gotten through that has made you so strong. Hang in there and if you ever need to vent you can always email me (my email is on my blog) :)
ReplyDeleteWelcome back, *hugs* Have faith in yourself and you will find the strength to get through anything. And don't feel ashamed to talk about your feelings. They are totally natural.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, big hugs! I can honestly say I feel exactly like you do. Exactly. If you ever need to vent, seriously, email me.
ReplyDeleteAww.. :( kelsey is right, you have to find peace with yourself. If that means that you have to go to a counselor and talk to them or take medication or whatever it is, then you do it. I'm bipolar and it took me a long time to figure it out. When I did hit a breaking point I was literally punting laundry detergent bottles at my roommates head. Something just wasn't right. I have moments where I feel completely worthless and failing, honestly I watch tv. For some reason when I turn on the television, my brain literally shuts down. Negative outlets never work.. they always make me feel worse too. You can also email me.. it's on my page. There is nothing wrong with your feelings or expressing them, hell you have to let them out sometimes.
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