A lot of things are happening right now..I am trying to reevaluate my life, my relationship and everything that has happened thus far. Its a lot to take in.
I'm having a difficult time with Lieutenant. He and I are both extremely strong willed, different people. Its hard to make a compromise when only one person is compromising and this is putting a lot of stress on our relationship. I called him selfish last night. Maybe it was the right thing to do and maybe it was the wrong thing to do but I said it. When we broke up last January, I moved to Arizona and tried to start a new life. He kept pulling me back into the world that we had created but I told him things had to change. I couldn't go on with what we were doing because it was destructive. The sad thing is that I don't think either of us have learned anything from that experience and when we decided to get back together, we were relying on hope alone. Its hard to tell the person that you love that you can't keep going if things are going to stay the same...but if they don't see it, if they write how you feel off, then how can you let yourself keep going? When is enough really going to be enough?
Lieutenant and I have been through hell and high water with each other since we were seventeen. How can I just say "this is it, I can't do it anymore" without truly understanding what I am going to lose? Why doesn't he feel the same way? I love him and he is supposed to be my best friend but I feel like I can't get through to him anymore. I can't help but think that I am the one that caused all of this. I let him be selfish the first time we broke up. I said it was okay when it wasn't okay. We broke up so he could see other people before we got married and as much as that hurt me, I agreed to it. From that point on, there has been no compromising on his part. Our relationship is built off of what he wants.
Its hurting me more than he knows and yet I understand that no matter how many times we say it will change, it won't. People are who they are and that is just too big of a change to reverse. At this point I am on the fence. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don't know how much longer I can live in his shadow.
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I go through the up and down feeling with my hubby too. I love him more then I can even explain. We have been married for 4 years now and we have a son together. But man can he be down right mean some times and very selfish. We get into knock down drag out fights some times but at the end of all of it I know I can never see myself with someone else. I guess thats how you will know what side to choose. Can you see yourself with anyone else or see yourself without him??? if so then thats your answer but if you can't then yall prob need to have a real heart to heart with each other and maybe some good will come out of it and maybe he will see your side on things. Thats what helped us during our first year or else we wouldn't have made it. Hope things get better :)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're really struggling and hurting right now, and I'm so sorry to hear it. I'm not married to my airman, but we have definitely had some really hard times in the past 2 and a half years we've been together. Still, it's hard for me to give advice since I've never been in a wife's shoes. I'm a big believer in therapy (couples or solo) and really think it's a great idea of something you can do before things get too rocky. Just remember why you said "I do" and know that everything happens for a reason. Hang in there girl.
ReplyDeleteI'm seventeen as well, and my boyfriend is currently in the Air Force. It's really hard. I feel like we have much in common, you and me. I tend to let things go more easily. We'd get into an argument about something, and I'd just drop it because I hate fighting so much, and I would act as if everything was alright again. Even if by doing so, I know deep down they're still hurting me. I struggled with this for so long. There were a few things that had happened in our relationship, things he had done towards me, that hurt, but instead of saying something I'd bottle it in. Which, we all know, is never good. I kept it in for so long, it seemed like the longer I kept these feelings to myself, the more angry I became. I wanted him to realize these things he had done that hurt me, on his own. Which since is was so long ago, it was pretty unrealistic to think he would one day just magically figure it out. But anyway, I'm beginning to ramble on.. Back to the point I'm trying to get across.. the longer I kept these things to myself, the more angry with him I became, the more pointless arguments we would get in. Which sucks, especially with me being so far away from him. But finally I just couldn't take it anymore, I needed to get it out. As hard as it was he and I talked it through and after letting it out I felt so relieved. Like this HUGE weight had been lifted off my shoulders. So I think you should really consider talking to him, keeping these feelings to yourself will only make things worse, easier perhaps. But in the long run it will be worth it. Esspecially if you're planning on spending the rest of your life with him, you should be able to tell him how you feel, and if it's meant to be.. it will.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes<3